What happened?

I have this vision of the development sessions in software companies around the country -- pizza boxes everywhere, white boards covered with scribbles, half-eaten programmers strewn about. The CEO of ATGAB (All That Gets A Budget) is listening to a hopeful designer:

Carl: "So there you have it, Sir. Not only does the game have an intriguing plot and timeless references, it is also aesthetically gorgeous, educational, gripping, addictive, immersive, cures cancer, flosses your teeth between meals and counts as 15 credits at Harvard Law School."

Scott T. Wirthchild III: "Excellent! So... what do you shoot?"

.............

The next time I see a shooting splatter game referred to as "innovative" or "new" in any way, I am going to go back to college. (I would go postal with a bazooka and tweezers, but that's what THEY are expecting).

Computer games today are about as innovative as Motel 6 lobby art. I have an idea why. There is something about playing a game where you run around with 2 feet of cold blue steel jutting from your hips, pumping your load into anything that moves, which probably appeals to a certain marketing demographic that didn't date much in high school.

FINE! GREAT!! WHATEVER!!! But is that all? Is no one out there making a game that is just plain cool? If Myst was proposed today, you can bet your bandoleer that along with the fine graphics and mysterious plot, you would find at least 3 anti-tank weapons.

Flash and bash. Base Pavlovian responses to stimuli is what they're selling. Even Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider protagonist, had to be built like the Pyramids and pack enough firepower to make Stallone look flaccid. A woman living her life on her own terms... so long as she can kill stuff. No creativity, and no humor beyond what you would find in a sports bar during the playoffs ("Boy, I'd like to raid HER tomb").

The big hitters in the gaming world are taking themselves WAY too seriously. Pretty funny considering they started out programming their TRS 80's in the garage because they wanted a "place of their own". Surrounded by dirty laundry and a well-turned copy of the Landers Sisters' PlayBoy issue, they said things like "Ok, now, this square is your lunar lander and you have to guide it down to the planet without crashing. You have to imagine there are, like, rocks and stuff."

Imagine. What a concept.

Now they wear ties and sit around a table with a bunch of marketing weasels, knocking back coffee in quart containers, and worry about how a game will sell and whether it will make the holiday ship date so the quarter numbers will look good for the upcoming merger. They've become the Charlton Hestons of gaming (and believe me, if they ever remake the Heston classic Planet of the Apes using today's commercial, plastic, "must be AAA"-ratings-oriented standards, it will make the "squeal" scene in Deliverance look like Barney Goes To Sunday School).

Fine. Right. If you're gonna do it, then do it. Here are my proposals for the next generation of "Innovative cutting-edge completely original entertainment software":

Organic Home Gardening
Powerful 3D Graphics engine gives the do-it-yourselfer all the tools necessary to construct and plan a vast variety of home gardening projects, right down to seeding and KILLING GOPHERS WITH AN AK-47.

Chi Chi Goes to Town.
Follow Chi Chi the loveable hedgehog as she takes a day trip to historic London and KILLS BOBBIES FOR FUN AND PROFIT

Sparky Gets Connected
Sparky is a 10 year old who has dreams of adventure and excitement. Help Sparky solve the mysteries of his quiet little Nevada town as he strives to get into bed with the Mob and KILL SQUEALERS AND CASINO KINGPINS WHO DON'T PAY PROTECTION.

Poodle Hunter 3D
Stalk your way through posh neighborhoods and trendy malls, SNUFFING THE LITTLE YAPPERS WITH A VARIETY OF TOOLS FROM HIGH-POWERED RIFLES TO SALAD SHOOTERS.

Final Solution
Just a big red button on your desktop. Push it and it KILLS EVERYTHING ON THE ENTIRE PLANET AND 2 OTHERS!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!

There, I said it. I feel better.