The Last Star Trek Parody
by Steven Bryan Bieler
copyright 1989, first appeared in Pacific Magazine

Capt. Kirk, Science Officer Spock, Chief Medical Officer "Bones" McCoy, and a geologist named Johnson, Jackson, or Chang beam down to an uncharted planet with breathable atmosphere, understandable natives, and a society resembling feudal Europe under the rule of Charlemagne. Despite their superior weaponry, the landing party is quickly captured by sword-swinging illiterates acting as agents of the insidious emperor who has eradicated any semblance of freedom from the planet. Johnson, Jackson, or Chang is killed. Kirk's shirt is ripped. McCoy is forced to provide medical care for the emperor's beautiful daughter, who has been stricken with terminal eyeliner, and from her learns that galactic war is imminent.

Meanwhile, Romulan starships have crossed the Neutral Zone and are attacking the Enterprise. Engineer Scott is in command and having a bad day: No. 4 shield has buckled, the warp engines are running amok, and he forgot his accent at home with his lunch. He decides that the ship can't take the pounding. He orders Lt. Uhura to contact Star Fleet Command, but the line is busy. Scotty pops the top off another beer and waits for the commercial to bail him out.

Down on the planet, Kirk seduces the emperor's daughter and learns the whereabouts of the rebel underground. The rebels are betrayed by spies and everyone is captured by the Klingons. Kirk challenges the head Klingon to a duel, first delivering a speech on universal peace. Spock computes the odds and McCoy holds the bets. The smart money is on the Klingon. He's twice Kirk's size and armed with a bazooka. Kirk only has his good looks and the Klingons have tied his shoelaces together. McCoy tells Spock to do something. Spock constructs a primitive molecular dehumidifier from old chicken bones and plugs the device into a convenient wall outlet. It works. Everyone escapes.

The emperor's daughter begs Kirk to stay with her, because she is in love with him and likes to have a man around the house. Kirk declines the offer. He is responsible for the lives of 400 crew members, and anyway he is already in love with the Enterprise. He feels guilty when he fools around. The emperor arrives on the scene in time for another speech by Kirk on the brotherhood of all living things, is swiftly humbled and promises a new way.

Spock constructs a primitive communicator from a pop-up toaster and contacts the ship. Scotty beams them aboard, but the transporter malfunctions and deposits Spock inside the Romulan flagship's video arcade. Now the Enterprise can't defend itself for fear of killing Spock. McCoy demands they do something. Kirk pounds his chair with his fist and punches buttons but can't find a station he likes. Scotty says the ship can't take the pounding. Kirk tells Scotty to stuff it. He orders Uhura to call the Romulans and is angered when they refuse to accept the charges. He has Uhura open the "hailing frequency," which permits him to make calls without paying for them, and lets the Romulans know he is through being Mr. Nice Guy. He threatens to activate the recently installed bilateral hemostat. The Romulans have never heard of a bilateral hemostat. They panic and head for home. They have been duped by a clever bluff, and Kirk will be expecting a little extra something in his next paycheck from Star Fleet Command.

Scotty succeeds in overhauling the transporter. He wipes the windshield and turns it on. Spock is returned to the Enterprise, where he describes his experience as fascinating. He scored 5 million points on Galactic Planet-Eater. Time again to enjoy the fruits of liberty. McCoy insults Spock. Spock insults McCoy. Kirk doesn't get the joke but chuckles anyway. He orders Sulu to get them out of this episode.

But somebody plugged in a hair dryer while the bilateral hemostat was running, and the engines run amok, rocketing everyone backward through time at Warp Eleventeen. Sulu hits the brakes and stops the ship in the 20th century. They are orbiting a primitive planet whose only economic and cultural activity is the production of an endless series of Star Trek movies. Hollywood agents start calling, and Kirk and company realize that they have, at last, come home.